While having a lovely chat with a friend of mine, I learned that she had recently embarked on a caregiving journey. I wanted to give her a word of encouragement or comfort. She didn’t ask for advice, but she said she read my book, “Finishing Well: Finding the Joy in Dementia” and had gleaned some helpful tips and ideas.
My heart broke with the knowledge of what would likely be a long journey ahead of her. It is no easy task. Many of our loved ones require constant supervision and need help with everyday activities. I hoped that she would have the strength to endure difficult times. It turns out that another one of her friends has offered to join in with the care process so she will have help. What a blessing! It will divide the load and sorrow, and share the joy. As a believer, my friend will also be drawing on the strength and comfort that comes from the Lord.
Joy is what will be needed for this endeavor
I encouraged her to find as much joy as possible along the way. Various community activities may provide opportunities for her and her loved one to laugh and smile.
Music is also helpful. Attending local concerts or symphonies is one of the ways to infuse your loved one’s world with music and may provide a joyful experience. If there are mobility limitations,it may be a challenge to go out in public, but if it is possible, and if your loved one would benefit, it might be worth the extra effort. Playlists on Spotify or other music platforms, as well as YouTube.com music videos, can also be a good option. Mama and I loved to sing, so if you know some of the songs they enjoy, singing can also be fun for you both.
What did your loved one enjoy before dementia?
My sister, Peggy Whitten, has a great saying that I love to quote when it comes to caring for a loved one: “They can’t enter your reality, you have to enter theirs.”
Some days their reality may seem like you’ve stumbled upon a Mad Hatter’s Tea Party. That’s okay. Try to discover which activities your loved one might enjoy doing (although this may change over time). I would encourage you to venture out when you can. Help your loved one go to their place of worship, attend concerts, browse art galleries, feed ducks at the park, or even visit a zoo.
Try to do whatever your loved one enjoyed before the dementia diagnosis, and even add a few activities whenever possible. When it comes to food, help your loved one share a meal with others whenever possible, whether it’s at a restaurant, a local senior center, or with a church group. Dining with others may also help bring more joy to a mealtime.
Clean laundry ready for Mama to fold brought her joy
Is there something that will give your loved one a sense of purpose? Before dementia struck, Mama was a laboratory scientist and very detail-oriented. She loved folding towels, she had a certain way it was to be done. I would often bring them to her – still warm from the dryer. She would immediately hug the pile of towels and smile large. Eventually, she would begin folding and stacking them next to her.
She enjoyed it so much, I must admit there were a few times I took clean, folded towels out of the linen closet to toss into the dryer in order to give her something to fold. Another of her favorites was picking lint off of sweaters. (Sometimes I threw an old sweater in with the towels to re-lint it). We also kept Mama busy by giving her a bowl of various colored beads for her to sort into smaller bowls according to color.
Are there favorite movies your loved one would enjoy watching? Surprisingly, after the onset of dementia, we discovered that Mama developed an enjoyment of ‘Slapstick’ movies such as The Three Stooges.
Swimming through life
Swimming (or walking back and forth in fairly shallow water) is an option if your loved one enjoys water activities. My Mama has always loved the water – she was born in Duluth, Minnesota. The state motto on their license plate is, “Land of 10,000 Lakes,” so, needless to say, there was plenty of water available for swimming.
Even after the onset of dementia, Mama loved to be in the water. We had a membership at the local wellness center that offered an indoor pool, so we took her there as often as possible. However, since we couldn’t trust her to always remember how to swim, we had Mama wear flotation devices on her arms and restricted her water activity to walking back and forth in the pool.
If someone is a swimmer before a diagnosis of dementia, it should still be a viable option for them as long as proper precautions are taken to ensure their safety. As an additional benefit, swimming or walking in the water can help with maintaining balance.
Since Mama had diabetes, I also had to keep in mind that her activity could cause her blood sugar levels to drop, so I carried small packets of honey with me at all times.
Mama’s trips to the pool lasted until the day came when she was no longer able to walk. I believe they added to her quality of life and general well-being. If swimming or walking are options for your loved one, they may be worth exploring.
Activity ideas to help when your loved one is bored or fidgety
I remember watching my grandma twiddle her thumbs back when I was a little girl. It fascinated me. She did it all the time – usually while she was sitting in her favorite chair, and watching TV. She told me it was good to have something for your hands to do while you were waiting. That made sense to me, and I remember trying to copy her when she wasn’t looking. It doesn’t seem like that big of a deal now, but back when I was very young, teaching my thumbs to twiddle felt like a huge accomplishment.
It turns out that no matter how old you become, it is still good to have something for your hands to do. I recently read an article about fidgety quilts, “Fidget Quilts for Dementia Patients”. I loved the idea. The best part about those quilts is that they can be customized to your loved one’s interests.
When my Mama lived with us while she was in the middle stages of dementia, she constantly needed something to do. Before the onset of dementia, she both knitted and crocheted. But as her dementia became more and more pronounced, she found it difficult to maintain an ongoing focus. She would quickly become bored and forget what she was working on.
If I had heard about fidgety quilts back then, I believe that Mama would have loved the idea. The fact that they don’t require any special skills or knowledge to play with the different ribbons, buttons, and interesting items attached to the quilts makes them perfect for every ability level.
Sometimes, when suggesting an activity, your loved one might indicate that they do not want to participate, that’s okay. Try to always respond with encouragement and sensitivity to their feelings.
Anything, no matter how silly it seems, if it helps your loved one feel like they can still do something they find joy in, or a way contribute, is a worthwhile activity. Remember, the journey can be long; use your imagination to lighten the load and discover all the whimsical joy you can find.
Has your world been touched by dementia?
My book, “Finishing Well: Finding the Joy in Dementia“, is a collection of stories and tips about doing life with my Mama. May it encourage and inspire you to find joy on your own, unique journey.