Great starts are easy, the goal is to finish well
My third-grade teacher loved her job. She also lives a life that continually defines the word hope. How do I know? Well, 60 years later, I have the honor of interviewing her for a Silver Stars post. During the course of our visit, one word kept coming up that she both used and described – hope. It is the key theme of her life.
One day, while Mama lived with us due to dementia, I looked out the window and, to my surprise, saw her outside visiting with the mailman. I was surprised for two reasons : Firstly, the door was always kept locked, and secondly, Mama’s visiting skills and her ability to string together coherent words were diminishing at a rather alarming rate.
I had been under the (apparently mistaken) assumption that she no longer knew how to unlock a door. It turned out that if you asked her to unlock the door, she couldn’t comply with your request or tell you how. But her fingers had enough muscle memory enabling her to do what she had been doing all her life: see a door, unlock it, and go out.
Falling played a significant role in both my parents’ lives. When we were caring for our Mama, she had fairly good balance. She walked slowly and methodically – usually counting her steps. We were never sure why. But as a Medical Scientist, she conducted many tests that required precise counting; perhaps it was a habit she had kept to herself, but with the onset of dementia, she counted out loud. Anyway, she could climb stairs, walk in grocery stores, and even walk in water for exercise.
One day, she she fell out of bed and broke her hip.
While having a lovely chat with a friend of mine, I learned that she had recently embarked on a caregiving journey. I wanted to give her a word of encouragement or comfort and some helpful tips and ideas.
My heart broke with the knowledge of what would likely be a long journey ahead of her. It is no easy task.
Cooking is not my superpower. Thankfully, Wayne loves to cook. When we were first married (52 years ago), I cooked, baked, and even canned. There is even a family joke that goes: “One day, one of our children came home just in time to eat dinner. I asked, ” Are you ready to eat?” The cautious look on his face prompted another child to say, “It’s okay, Dad’s cooking”. We refer to my season of domestic adventure as Wayne’s first wife.
I’ve always had an interest in gardening. It’s a love I inherited from my Mama. Her favorite flowers were irises and roses. As far back as I can remember, Mama always enjoyed growing things. One time, she ordered 27 dwarf fruit trees to plant in our backyard. Even though we lived in a neighborhood, the trees were very small, and our backyard accommodated them nicely. It did take us several days to get them all planted. As it turned out, a few years after the great tree planting took place, my parents bought some property in the country, and yup, all the trees needed digging back up and replanting at their new home. I wasn’t involved in that second tree planting. I was married by then and living in Washington State, as my husband was in the Army.
There is a growing amount of evidence that music is able to reduce anxiety and revive fading memories hidden deep inside your loved one’s brain. But suppose neither you nor your loved one was ever really a music person? Is it possible to activate those memories by other means?
Even though singing is a wonderful trigger for awakening memories that are hard to rouse, other activities that hold significance to your loved one can also stir up dormant memories.
Smiles speak a language that is almost universally understood. Smiles are one of the enduring forms of communication with someone who has dementia. When you smile, very good things happen. Smiles, especially combined with eye contact, convey kindness to the one you are smiling at. Even though Mama had a touch of glaucoma, she could still see faces. One of the best aspects of smiles is that they are contagious! When you see a smile, it is almost an automatic response to smile back.
My phone rang one day while I was eating lunch. Grabbing my phone, I saw an unfamiliar number but decided to answer anyway. Turns out it was a sales call. Annoyed, I resumed my lunch. It suddenly occurred to me that I had read an article in a publication sponsored by the California Bar Foundation that addresses unwanted phone calls. It lists various places you can call or visit online to remove your name and contact info from call lists. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I hadn’t followed through yet.
tually, it was two letters inside one envelope. One was written to Uncle Wayne, and the other to Aunt Yaya. She had written to say how much fun she had spending time with us and wanted us to come back soon for another visit. Even though over the past year, we have received our share of mail – mostly bills and junk, some letters, I must say that hers was one of the highlights.