There is a growing amount of evidence that music is able to reduce anxiety and revive fading memories hidden deep inside your loved one’s brain. But suppose neither you nor your loved one was ever really a music person? Is it possible to activate those memories by other means? I was having this very conversation with a friend of mine whose father had dementia.
When I mentioned the benefit of singing, his face fell, and he said sadly, “I don’t ever remember my father singing. Music wasn’t part of our families’ culture.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I responded
Singing Alternatives
Suddenly his face brightened, “But there is one thing – when my Dad was young, he won an ice cream eating contest. While I was growing up, our family ate a lot of ice cream. It was a big deal for us to go to the ice cream parlor and hear my Dad tell us about the time he won that contest.”
“That’s fabulous,” I said.
“Ice cream may be his version of singing,” he continued. “We’ve developed a new routine. When I visit him at the care home, the first thing he asks me is to take him home. It was breaking my heart. One day, I had an idea. I told him, sure, let’s go get in the car. I drove down to the ice cream parlor, and we sat and ate ice cream and talked about the time he had won the trophy. After we were finished, we got in the car, and I drove him back to the care home. When I pulled up into the driveway of the care facility, he smiled and said, it’s good to be home.”
More Activity Ideas
So, even though singing is a wonderful trigger for awakening memories that are hard to rouse, other activities that hold significance to your loved one can also stir up dormant memories. The Key offers 30 ideas.
For example, field trips of all types can be fun – especially out in nature. A place that has certain sounds and smells associated with it can trigger those childhood memories. Enjoying a cup of coffee outside in the cool of the day surrounded by the sounds of morning can be a pleasant way to gently begin the day.
If your loved one was raised on a farm, an excursion to a ranch to watch horses or cows might trigger pleasant memories. If not a farm, then perhaps a visit to a petting zoo for a bit of up-close time around animals, this could provide stimulation of both touch and smell. Or, for a more urban environment, a venture out to a park bench to feed pigeons could be enjoyable. If there is a park nearby that includes a duck pond, perhaps feeding ducks will invoke hidden memories.
Keep in mind, trips can be tiring, and over-stimulation can thwart the benefits of the outing. Consider keeping it short and going at times when it is less likely to be crowded will provide a better experience.
Inside Activities
If weather isn’t ideal for an outing, consider finding movies or videos that can catch your loved ones’ interest. YouTube.com offers a huge variety of free videos. Try something that will makes us smile – like babies laughing, or videos of young animals jumping around being silly. As it turned out, my Mama loved slapstick movies. Shirley Temple and The Three Stooges were a couple of her favorites. Movies from someone’s past can also evoke fond memories. We watched The Sound of Music almost daily. Sometimes, Mama would get bored with the dialogue bits, so we would forward it to the singing section. Reading or listening to a favorite book may also spark a memory.
If your loved one is able to stand, dancing could also provide a benefit. There is a lot of research about the advantages of moving to music. Learn more by reading a previous post, Do You Hear the Music? Dance! Dancing includes anything from moving feet to swaying to the music, supported by a partner.
Activity ideas if your mobility is limited
If there is a mobility issue, perhaps you can find something interesting in the Healing Boxes list of 50 Fun Things To Do When Bed Bound/House Bound.
Activities if your Loved one is bored
One day, a friend of mine shared with me that her Mother-In-Law was in the beginning stages of dementia and had moved in with her and her husband. My friend was frantic about what activities or projects would keep her occupied so she wouldn’t be bored.
We talked about what her Mother-In-Law was interested in prior to the onset of dementia. Discovering what your loved one enjoyed or was talented at prior to the onset is the key. Did they knit, quilt or birdwatch?
Keep in mind when choosing activities
Perhaps something like working on a jigsaw puzzle might also be an option if your loved one has an interest in it. Coloring books for grown-ups have become very popular and might appeal to an older interest.
An important thing to keep in mind is that even though your loved one has diminishing abilities and might even act like a child at times, their likes and dislikes are still mature. Try to avoid Barbie coloring books or puzzles with pictures of SpongeBob.
Each person has their own individual set of interests, skills, and talents, so it may take a while to discover just the right type of activities that will keep their interest. This process may require you to be both patient and flexible.
When it’s all said and done
Sometimes a person just wants to feel useful. My Mama loved folding towels, so I would sometimes quietly throw a bunch of clean towels into the dryer to fluff them up for a few minutes and then bring the whole pile of warm towels for her to fold. Mama loved it! At first, she would hug the towels for a few minutes and enjoy their warmth and fragrance. Eventually, she would become surrounded by little stacks of neatly folded towels.
At the end of the day, your loved one simply wants what we all want – to know we’re loved. Some days will be better than others, but remember: You’re doing the best you can, and so are they!
Has your world been touched by dementia?
My book, “Finishing Well: Finding the Joy in Dementia“, is a collection of stories and tips about doing life with my Mama. May it encourage and inspire you to find joy on your own, unique journey.