After my Daddy passed away, Mama lived with us for a season, because she had dementia and was unable to continue living in the little cottage in the country where she and Daddy had lived for almost 40 years.
One of her favorite activities was browsing through page after page of photos in our church’s directory. She loved looking through it and would try to emulate all the various smiles of each person. One face, in particular, caused Mama to react in an amusing way. It was of one of the older ladies in the church. Instead of a smile, she had an odd expression on her face. Every time Mama came across that photo, she would gasp and point at it. Then she would try to mimic the expression. After a moment, she would simply turn the page and continue her perusal of the photos.
Smiles speak every language
Smiles speak a language that is almost universally understood. Smiles are one of the enduring forms of communication with someone who has dementia. When you smile, very good things happen. Smiles, especially combined with eye contact, convey kindness to the one you are smiling at. Even though Mama had a touch of glaucoma, she could still see faces.
A loved one who suffers from dementia may find themselves living in a strange and lonely world. They can no longer chat with people they once had lively and meaningful conversations with and may not even recognize them. My Mama, who was smart, witty, and a wonderful conversationalist, lost the ability to recognize me in the early stages of her battle with dementia.
According to Mother Teresa, smiles are a gift, an act of love:
“Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”
Mother Teresa
Smiling is a gift you can give someone at any stage of dementia (if their eyes are open). It is one of the actions listed among seven acts of kindness for someone living with dementia in an article by Dementia UK, “Acts of kindness for someone with dementia”.
Smiles are Contagious
One of the best aspects of smiles is that they are contagious! When you see a smile, it is almost an automatic response to smile back.
In a study published by Neuroscience News, “Shared Expression Fosters Connection”, led by Professor Yohei Otaka from the Department of Rehabilitation Medicine, Fujita Health University School of Medicine, Japan. They found that if you smile at someone, they smile back, and then you both get a little happier.
Another key finding was that the more the listener smiled, the more positive the speaker felt about the interaction. Speakers reported feeling friendlier and enjoying the conversation more when their partner smiled frequently.
These results can be especially good news for caregivers. Try smiling at your loved one several times throughout your day and watch how they respond.
Several years ago, I wrote a post, “Smiles for the new year”. In it, I included an article that explains how you still benefit when you smile even if you don’t feel like it. If that isn’t convincing enough, Sciencetimes.com offers “7 Science-Backed Health Benefits of Smiling”.
Smiling Man
I would like to conclude this post with a personal experience I had with the intentional act of smiling:
When our Mama had to go to a skilled nursing home after surgery for a broken hip, we visited her as often as possible, usually every day. One day, I noticed an older man sitting off to the side in a hallway. His head was down, and he didn’t seem to pay any attention to what was going on around him. The next day, he was there again. He looked so sad, my heart went out to him. I smiled at him whenever I saw him to try to cheer him up a bit. Over time, he responded, and then one day he was gone. I found myself missing him, so I wrote a short tribute to him.
To Smiling Man
Hey Smiling Man, you waved to me! Yea! I’ve been waiting for some time.
That first time I saw you in the hall, you didn’t notice me – I guess you must have had something on your mind that day. After that, I looked for you every time I came in, but it took a long time before I could catch your eye.
I remember that first time you glanced my way. You looked a bit unsure but returned my smile with a quick nod. Since that day, I have been getting better at catching your eye – now you look my way almost every time. A couple of times, you’ve even spotted me first, and I noticed that your smile was becoming more spontaneous and enthusiastic – no longer waiting for me to smile first.
Today, however, was the best. When you spotted me, your whole face lit up and then finally, finally, finally – you waved!
Most of the residents at the care home where I visit my Mama won’t look at me, but there you are – smiling and now waving. Sometimes, I get sad after visiting with Mama, but your smile helps cheer me back up.
I wonder, do you ever have visitors or any family in the area? In fact, I don’t know anything about you, your condition, or even your name, but to me you will always be Mr. Smiling Man – thank you.
Is someone waiting for your smile today?
Has your world been touched by dementia?
My book, “Finishing Well: Finding the Joy in Dementia“, is a collection of stories and tips about doing life with my Mama. May it encourage and inspire you to find joy on your own, unique journey.