How do you connect with someone who is losing their ability to communicate? If you want to make positive connections with your loved one, understand there are definite Rules of Engagement. It turns out there is a bit of a learning curve when engaging someone with dementia.
I’ve addressed this subject before, but I believe it bears reiterating. When someone becomes non-verbal due to the progression of dementia, it doesn’t mean that they cannot understand our words, or ‘get’ our actions.
It’s important to remember that communication and connections made on an emotional level will remain throughout the dementia journey.
The Sounds of Silence
One day, when Mama was nearing the end of her earthly journey, she went silent. It was a heartbreaking milestone for me. With dementia causing so many losses in Mama’s life, I learned to adapt to each change as the disease progressed. But, when she lost the ability to speak, I grieved the loss of hearing her voice.
I even tried to ask her some easy ‘yes or no’ questions to see if she would respond. With a smile, I looked into her eyes and asked, “Do you like your juice? Is it tasty? Would you like some more?”
She tried to answer. I could tell by the almost imperceptible movement of her lips and the sweet expression on her face that she wanted to say something. She looked at me intently as I continued to ask her questions. After a few moments, I changed tactics and began singing to her as she finished up her juice. I’m sure she was as frustrated as I was that she couldn’t speak.
As a side note: I would encourage anyone who has a loved one with dementia to record their voice or take a video during a conversation – better yet, tap record while they are sharing a story from their past, it will become a precious possession later on.
Non-Verbal Communication
Non-verbal speech often speaks louder than spoken. Mama’s loss of verbal ability required me to pay more attention to my facial expressions and the intention of my actions. When I entered her room, I would smile. If she didn’t hear me come in, I found it helped to place a couple of fingers under her chin and gently turn her face towards mine. Then I would say something like, “Hi Mama, how are you feeling today? I sure love you” – over and over until I saw her face register that I was there. She connected with me by using her eyes. They looked at me when I smiled and filled with tears when I sang.
Do this – Don’t do that
Make your interactions with your loved one as beneficial as possible by keeping a few things in mind.
- Do: Smile, make eye contact, hold their hand.
- Don’t: Talk as if they’re not in the room, or express frustration with their lack of speech.
If your loved one is unable to speak, you may have to rely on observations. Watch purposefully for non-verbal messages. Your loved one may be trying to tell you something. Body language speaks volumes – it is a way to ‘hear’ with your eyes.
Indicators such as wide swings in blood sugar levels told me Mama wasn’t feeling well. Also, sudden agitation was often an indicator of pain. If I didn’t see anything wrong, I would try offering Mama a drink of water or a snack.
An article about ways to understand how to make connections with our loved ones through nonverbal communication is titled, “When Speech Is Gone: A Method for Nonverbal Communication in Dementia”. It explains adaptive interaction, a way to communicate using body movements and sounds to connect with loved ones no longer capable of speech.
Visiting is still important
of sending them.
I have spoken with people who are troubled or reluctant to visit their loved ones. The general excuses for not visiting were:
- If they don’t know you are there, why even visit?
- They won’t remember your visit.
- You’d rather remember your loved ones as they were.
- It is hard to have a one-sided conversation.
- I can’t stand to see them in this condition.
Remember, your loved one can still feel intuitively. They can also respond to a smile, a kind touch, or even hearing your voice. If you do not know what to say, speak words of kindness, read the Bible out loud, or read an old book they used to enjoy. Try praying out loud for them. If you know any of the old songs, who knows? Perhaps singing would trigger a response as it did for my Mama.
Non-Verbal Kindness
Most folks are generally kind to others — or want to be. That’s good because practicing kindness, particularly when it comes to engaging, is an essential element when spending time with your loved one.
According to a Cedars-Sinai blog post, Kindness is a chemical. Most research on the science behind why kindness makes us feel better has centered around oxytocin – sometimes called “the love hormone“. Oxytocin plays a role in forming social bonds and trusting other people. It’s tied to making us more trusting, more generous, and friendlier, while also lowering our blood pressure. Research suggests that acts of kindness can also give our love hormone levels a boost. As the well-known author, Mark Twain once said:
“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”
Mark Twain
Science has shown that kindness has a positive effect on our health. It can also help decrease the effects of diseases and medical conditions – both psychological and physical. Practicing kindness releases endorphins, our body’s natural pain reliever. Best of all, kindness is also contagious. Exercise your kindness muscles today – everyone benefits.
Has your world been touched by dementia?
My book, “Finishing Well: Finding the Joy in Dementia“, is a collection of stories and tips about doing life with my Mama. May it encourage and inspire you to find joy on your own, unique journey.
It’s never too late to be kind to your loved one.