Not too long ago, Wayne and I went out for a bite of lunch. We were enjoying ourselves. The food was good and there was pleasant music playing in the background. At one point, we noticed a family near us. It was a middle-aged couple and an older lady we assumed to be their Mama. She reminded me a bit of my Mama. She seemed to be having a delightful time while eating her meal as well as swaying to the background music. When it changed to a faster tempo, she began clapping along. The couple with her seemed a bit uncomfortable with the way she was acting, saying things such as, “Settle down now Mama, eat your food.” And, “Don’t clap so loud, just enjoy the music.”
It took me back to when we were caring for our Mama. She loved music so we took her to as many concerts as possible. Our town has an old State Theatre that was rescued and restored to its original beauty. Concerts and performances of all types are held there, and they still show classic movies from time to time.
It was a great place to take Mama. One evening, we were attending a concert performed by a rag-time band that was playing classics from the 1940s. Mama was having a great time watching them perform. She knew most of the songs and sang quietly along. When they began to play “You Are My Sunshine”, she stood up and started singing loudly along with the band. Nobody minded. In fact, it encouraged others to sing as well.
Wayne and I didn’t care if folks gave us odd looks, but if anyone approached Mama or tried to talk to her, we stepped in and discreetly explained she had dementia. I found that most folks are understanding. Especially once they know why the sweet little old lady is eating with her fingers – which Mama tended to do sometimes when she got tired of using her fork.
Looking back, the time we were able to take Mama out and about really was a short season. It ended when she broke her hip. Even though it healed well after surgery, her mind would not allow her to walk again. We were thankful for the time we had. It wasn’t always easy, and we did have a few awkward situations while we were out in public. There seems to be a balance between dignity and dementia.
I remember reading an article about a woman who came up with a good idea on how to communicate to wait staff and others in public settings that the person with her had dementia. She made small business–sized cards with a pretty flower that said something like “Please be patient, she has dementia.”.
That was several years ago, so I searched to see what is currently available for those unable to create cards of their own (because they are too busy caring for their loved ones). I found a site called, Alzheimer’s Store that looks perfect. I don’t know anything about this site, so I can’t vouch for it, but the reviews are great. They sell 100 cards for $16. If that is something you are interested in, but don’t want to spend that much, perhaps sharing the cost with another caregiver would be an option. That way you still get 50 cards.
So, my best advice to you would be, “Don’t allow others to dictate how and where you and your loved one can go, and things you can do. Don’t worry if your loved one stands up and sings or claps, eats with their fingers, or even begins conversations that they cannot finish. Life is short. Enjoy it to the full and help your loved one to finish well“.
Has your world been touched by dementia?
My book, “FinishingWell: Finding the Joy in Dementia”, is a collection of stories and tips about doing life with my Mama. May it encourage and inspire you to find joy on your own, unique journey. Find our group on Facebook
I think the card is a easy and discreet way to simply let others know what is happening if they seem concerned. Great post!
Thank you!!
I love the “You Are My Sunshine” story