My Mama had a wonderful tradition of writing an annual Christmas letter to send to all our family and friends at Christmas time. She was also an amateur photographer – she even turned a small bathroom into a darkroom. So, every year, she would either take a photo of my siblings and me or use the camera timer and get a snap of the entire family to include in the letter.
Mama & Daddy, my sister, Peggy and me (I’m the baby).
One year, my Daddy mentioned that she was not showing any interest in writing the Christmas letter. We thought that perhaps she was having trouble remembering all the previous year’s topics, so my sister, Peggy offered to help. She mentioned various things that would be noteworthy while Mama wrote. It seemed to be a success until Peggy offered to read the letter. To her surprise, it contained disconnected paragraphs with a few lines repeated over and over throughout the page. She smoothed them together, so it flowed a bit better. That was one of the first indications that dementia had crashed into our world and life was going to change.
Changing Expectations
The holiday season is usually portrayed by movies and advertisements as “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” Unfortunately, due to isolation, seclusion, and confusion, this is not always the case when it comes to loved ones with dementia. The recent COVD pandemic has magnified these feelings of loneliness.
When someone is in the earlier stages of dementia, they are more likely to be aware of the both the seasons and their own limitations. Such awareness can create conflicted feelings on whether they want to immerse themselves in holiday gatherings. It can be hard to carry on a conversation, or even remember folks they have known for decades…or a lifetime. Sadly, it is the self-imposed isolation that often brings on feelings of loneliness. Caregivers can help during these times of interactions with family and friends. Visiting for shorter periods of time – long enough to meet and greet others but leaving before sundowning sets in is helpful.
Senses and Singing enhance memories
In the middle and later stages of dementia, there is less external awareness, so creativity is called for in helping your loved one find some of the happy in the holidays.
- Smells: Smells are a powerful memory enhancer. I love walking into a room filled with delicious smells of warm apples, cinnamon, and nutmeg. The fragrances embody the sense of holidays, times with family, and joyful memories. If you don’t have an infuser, try adding some holiday spices to a steeping pan of water so the aroma can enhance the atmosphere.
- Songs: Christmas songs and hymns are usually so well embedded into the heart of our loved ones that dementia has a more difficult time getting to them. Even better – Christmas songs can be played and sung all year long. By the way, another song sung regularly is “Happy Birthday”. Most folks have heard that sung all their lives.
Loneliness increases dementia risk
Loneliness also affects the caregiver and can increase their own risk of developing dementia. Those caring for a loved one can also feel the effects of isolation. No one is superhuman; it is okay to ask for help from time to time. There are often resources available to help. Check with your county social services department to learn more. Here in Charlotte, there is the Frankie Mae Foundation. It cares for caregivers. Even if you are not in Charlotte, Frankie Mae can help. They offer online support groups along with apps you may find useful.
Holiday Outings
Taking your loved one to church, stores, restaurants, or any other public place carries a set of risks. It takes extra energy, and often the caregiver doesn’t have any energy to spare. Outings also require planning. Whenever we went anywhere, I packed a little bag containing snacks, drinks, and other items Mama might need. Because my Mama was diabetic, we always carried little packets of honey. If she experienced a sudden drop in her blood sugar, I would squirt some into her mouth to raise her blood sugar level. Other things would come up such as hunger or bathroom issues, but we never went too far from home, and we knew that when Mama was done, we were done.
Visits at Christmas
Family and friends often visit more during the holiday season. That’s a good thing. If possible, encourage visits to take place when your loved one is feeling their best. Mornings may be hectic, so better connections might be made in the afternoon. Consider that anyone who wants to visit may also be willing to provide you with a bit of respite. An afternoon to shop, meet up with friends, or even take a nap can do a world of good.
In this tech-connected age, it is possible to visit with someone you care about almost anywhere in the world. If there are family members or friends living in other areas, setting up Skype, Facetime, or Duo chats is easier than ever to arrange. Remember, as I mentioned before, you are not superhuman. Taking care of yourself is vital. Ask for help. Try to relax when possible and remember, you can only do what you can do.
Has your world been touched by dementia?
My book, “FinishingWell: Finding Joy in Dementia”, is a collection of stories and tips about doing life with my Mama. May it encourage and inspire you to find joy on your own, unique journey. Find our group on Facebook
I love the tips in this month’s post.
This is very helpful. It’s good advice to be mindful of time/effort spent at outings. And going home before sundowning is a great reminder.