I was chatting with my physical therapist one day while he was helping me with a knee issue. He mentioned that his father was in a memory care unit. I shared with him some stories about my Mama and our journey with dementia. He was thoughtful for a moment. Then he said that his dad was at a point where he could not do much. It was even hard to communicate with him. The worst part, he continued, was that none of his brothers and sisters were willing to visit him. Their father did not notice when they were there, so they preferred to remember him as he was before dementia. How heartbreaking.
How to Make a Connection
How do you connect with someone who is losing their ability to communicate? If you want to make positive connections with your loved one, understand there are definite Rules of Engagement. It turns out there is a bit of a learning curve when engaging someone with dementia.
Keep in mind, non-verbal speech often speaks louder than spoken. Communication and connections made on an emotional level will remain throughout the dementia journey. As the well-known poet Maya Angelou says:
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou
How to Engage?
Begin your visits by making eye contact and smiling. When talking, say the words kindly and clearly. It often requires exercising patience while your loved one processes your statement or question. Speak loud enough to ensure they can hear you but keep a smile in your voice at all times. When I would walk into Mama’s room, even though she didn’t know who I was, the expression on my face told her I was nice, happy, or kind, and she was safe. A smile communicated all those things nicely. If I was smiling, she could relax and trust that all was well.
Engagement through Laughter and Singing
Mama loved to laugh. If I told her an old joke that I knew she enjoyed or a funny experience we shared in the past – all the while maintaining eye contact, even if she did not actually laugh out loud, it would still brighten her eyes a bit. Laughter can be contagious, so if I laughed, I could often elicit a chuckle or two from her.
Another connection I made with Mama, was singing. Long after she lost her ability to speak, Mama could still sing. It often took some coaxing. I would sing a line from “My Wild Irish Rose” – her favorite song, followed by saying, “Sing with me, Mama, sing with me!” She would often begin making weak attempts, but after a few minutes of singing, her voice became stronger. It was “our” way of connecting. The day did arrive, however, that even her singing fell silent.
Non-verbal Communication
Throughout Mama’s entire journey, whenever she and I were trying to communicate, I often found myself using facial expressions, gestures, and pantomiming to convey what I was trying to say. Sometimes that worked, other times Mama would simply look at me and not respond.
I recently came across a couple of articles sharing ways to understand how to make connections with our loved ones through nonverbal communication. The first article I found is titled, “When Speech Is Gone: A Method for Nonverbal Communication in Dementia”. It explains adaptive interaction, a way to communicate using body movements and sounds to connect with loved ones no longer capable of speech.
Another is, an American Sign Language program at the Silverado Aspen Park memory care community, complete with research that shows a statistically significant 60% improvement in cognition. It is certainly worth taking a look.
“Some of the residents are retaining what they’ve learned, but the primary goal is to engage their minds, improve motor skills and enhance quality of life, which is a core philosophy of Silverado.”
Silverado Administrator, John “Alec” Stephenson
Visit regardless
Back to my physical therapist’s frustration with his siblings who were no longer willing to visit their father. Their excuses for not visiting were:
- It is not worth trying to visit when it seems as if he does not know you are there,
- He won’t remember your visit,
- You’d rather remember him as he was,
- It is hard to have a one-sided conversation.
Remember, your loved one can still feel intuitively. They can also respond to a smile, kind touch, or even hearing your voice. If you do not know what to say, speak words of kindness, read the Bible, or read an old book they used to enjoy. Try praying out loud for them. If you know any of the old songs, who knows? Perhaps singing would trigger a response as it did for my Mama.
At the end of the day, you simply do the best you can. Whenever my husband, sister, or I would become frustrated while caring for Mama, we would tell each other, “We’re doing the best we can, and so is Mama.”
Has your world been touched by dementia?
My book, “FinishingWell: Finding Joy in Dementia”, is a collection of stories and tips about doing life with my Mama. May it encourage and inspire you to find joy on your own, unique journey. Find our group on Facebook
I’ve always liked that picture.